Thursday, March 10, 2016
Coming Back
I have gotten away from being myself over the past few years. Being a teacher, and really being good at the job, can completely consume your life. To be in a profession where you give so much of yourself to everyone else tends to leave little left over at the end of the day. It's rewarding work, but it's hard work.
A month or so ago, I fell into a depression that I had a really hard time coming out of. I was tired all the time. I couldn't finish my work. I wasn't doing anything that I loved anymore, besides reading, of course. I didn't feel like me. I needed to change. So, I bought a new planner, got myself organized, and started a knitting project.
Knitting used to be my entire life. When I was fresh out of college, frantically looking for work, and substitute teaching to get experience, knitting kept me sane. I bought a book and taught myself everything I needed. Quickly, I discovered that I had quite a talent when it came to the fiber arts. Each hat, scarf and shawl that flew off my needles helped to soothe all of the stress that I felt at not finding a real teaching job right away. I bought more yarn than I could knit through in a lifetime. I worked on something every day.
When I found a job, that slowly changed. As I took on more and more responsibilities, I knit less and less. I eventually got to a place where I was hardly knitting as all...just sporadically, here and there. I hadn't finished a project in over a year. Something that used to be my heart was suddenly shoved aside in favor of lesson planning, grading papers and charting test data.
When I hit my bottom last month, I knew that knitting needed to be part of my recovery. I started a project. A little cowl that uses some clever techniques to look like a scarf. I worked on it a bit each week. Through better time management, I was able to carve out enough hours where I still had energy left to be artistic. I finished my project last weekend. I wore it to school today.
I'm not back to my previous, superhuman levels of knitting, and I probably never will be. To be honest, I don't need it as much as I did before. But I can do a little. If I forget to do the things that make me who I am, I will lose myself to work that, while satisfying in its own way, does not completely fulfill me as a person. I will not let myself get lost again.
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