Coming Back

I have gotten away from being myself over the past few years.  Being a teacher, and really being good at the job, can completely consume your life.  To be in a profession where you give so much of yourself to everyone else tends to leave little left over at the end of the day. It's rewarding work, but it's hard work. 

A month or so ago, I fell into a depression that I had a really hard time coming out of.  I was tired all the time. I couldn't finish my work.  I wasn't doing anything that I loved anymore, besides reading, of course.  I didn't feel like me.  I needed to change. So, I bought a new planner, got myself organized, and started a knitting project.

Knitting used to be my entire life.  When I was fresh out of college, frantically looking for work, and substitute teaching to get experience, knitting kept me sane.  I bought a book and taught myself everything I needed.  Quickly, I discovered that I had quite a talent when it came to the fiber arts.  Each hat, scarf and shawl that flew off my needles helped to soothe all of the stress that I felt at not finding a real teaching job right away.  I bought more yarn than I could knit through in a lifetime.  I worked on something every day.

When I found a job, that slowly changed.  As I took on more and more responsibilities, I knit less and less.  I eventually got to a place where I was hardly knitting as all...just sporadically, here and there.  I hadn't finished a project in over a year.  Something that used to be my heart was suddenly shoved aside in favor of lesson planning, grading papers and charting test data.

When I hit my bottom last month, I knew that knitting needed to be part of my recovery.  I started a project.  A little cowl that uses some clever techniques to look like a scarf.  I worked on it a bit each week.  Through better time management, I was able to carve out enough hours where I still had energy left to be artistic.  I finished my project last weekend.  I wore it to school today.

I'm not back to my previous, superhuman levels of knitting, and I probably never will be. To be honest, I don't need it as much as I did before. But I can do a little. If I forget to do the things that make me who I am, I will lose myself to work that, while satisfying in its own way, does not completely fulfill me as a person.  I will not let myself get lost again.