Coasting

A week ago, we made a dedicated work space for my husband.  We freed up a corner of our home, bought a little desk, and set up his laptop on it.  It's funny how a little change can make such a dramatic difference in the way you feel at home.  He feels more productive, and somehow, do I. 

Little by little, I've been clawing my way back to being myself.  Scheduling and organizing have helped, and so has making time to be creative.  When my husband asked for a coaster for his new desk, I eagerly took on the project. 

It had been a long time (years, probably) since I crocheted, but as I twisted the cotton yarn around my fingers and started pulling up loops with my hook, it all came flooding back to me.  This little granny square popped into being inside of twenty minutes and now it's sitting comfortably underneath my husband's coffee cup. 

It feels really nice to be doing this again. 

Big Magic by Elizabeth Gilbert

 

"Do you have the courage to bring forth the treasures that are hidden within you?"

Elizabeth Gilbert is an author that I definitely consider to be a strong woman.  When I read her most famous novel, Eat, Pray, Love, a few years ago, I was struck by her bravery.  To drop everything and travel around the world as she did requires a lot of courage.  It's scary to go to faraway places by yourself.  It's scary to leave your conventional life behind.  It's scary to spend a long time just focusing on yourself.  I was impressed by her boldness and honesty.  When I saw that she had published a nonfiction novel all about creativity, I was instantly intrigued.  I am currently trying to get back to a more creative place and pick up my knitting, sewing and embroidery again.  I thought that perhaps Gilbert, who I already admired as a courageous woman and talented artist, could inspire me to throw myself back into the creative activities I used to love.  Plus, that cover is stunning.  This book was begging to be read.

Big Magic is all about having the courage and trust to pursue living a more creative lifestyle.  Gilbert uses the term "Big Magic" to describe the mysterious nature of inspiration and how it can bring out our best work when we give it a chance.  Her advice covers such topics as letting go of your fears, being persistent in the face of failure and letting go of the negative emotions that block creativity.  She tells readers to explore what interests them and not let anyone or anything stand in the way of that exploration.  As Gilbert cheerfully encourages us to experiment and work hard in the medium we love, she also remains very practical, reminding readers that their creations do not have to be particularly important, or change the world.  If what we make is personally fulfilling to us, then that is a good outcome. She explains that there is room for everyone to be artistic and reminds us the we have the right to exist, to be happy, and to create whatever we please.

Big Magic is essentially a 250 page pep talk, and I found Gilbert's advice to be motivating in many instances.  The first section of the novel focuses on overcoming your fears, and I related very strongly with what she described.  Gilbert explains that she was a very timid and shy child, who was easily scared by seemingly mundane things.  She eventually was able to break out of her fears and anxieties and adopted a strategy of persevering on and doing the things that scared her.  Letting go of fears is crucial to the creative process, and it's something I still need to conquer myself.  Since I'm still trying to get to that place in my life, reading about her struggle was inspiring to me. 

However, as the novel went on, I found myself increasingly unable to relate to Gilbert's point of view.  It became very obvious that Gilbert is a much more spiritual and whimsical being than myself.  She describes her belief that ideas and inspiration are ethereal beings that float around the earth and insert themselves into people's heads, where they must be nurtured and brought to life.  If the person who receives the idea neglects it, it will leave that person and enter a different person's body in the hopes that this new person will take better care of it.  She isn't speaking metaphorically when she describes these beliefs.  She really believes this is true. 

I think this is a lovely way to think about the world, but I'm too scientifically-minded to agree.  Gilbert's thoughts on how ideas work sounds like pure fantasy to me, so it was hard to take anything she said seriously after reading her theory.  I was hoping for something a little more concrete out of this novel.  I didn't want a science textbook, but I was hoping for advice that was a little more practical. The topic of "creativity" is very broad though--perhaps too broad for this book to be any more practical than it was. 

Despite my theoretical issues with Big Magic, the book was still an interesting read.  Gilbert makes many great points and you definitely feel more empowered to create something after reading it.  More spiritual readers than I will undoubtedly find a lot to love here.  For me, unfortunately, this novel fell a little flat.  However, I love the spirit and intent of it.  I agree with Gilbert that creative living is the best kind of living and that we should all make the time to pursue our artistic interests without being hamstrung by fear.  Discovering how to unlock this impulse in ourselves is Big Magic indeed.      

How To Be a Heroine by Samantha Ellis

I love reading about people making lists and achieving goals.  It's nuts, I know, but I'm instantly attracted to people who set out to do X, Y, and Z.  I want to follow their journeys.  It makes me want to start a journey of my own.

When I saw How To Be a Heroine sitting on the sale table at Barnes and Noble, I had to pick it up.  A whole memoir about a woman who reexamines her life through the lens of the heroines she read about growing up?  Yes, please.  

In the prologue to the novel, Samantha Ellis, an Iraqi-Jewish playwright, sets out her plan.  After realizing that her admiration for Cathy from Wuthering Heights might have been better placed on Jane from Jane Eyre, she decides to embark on a journey of self-discovery.  She rereads the books that impacted her the most as she was growing up and analyzes her feelings for the heroines she used to admire.  Some of them still hold up as good role models, while others, she realizes, don't.  The novel reads like a memoir mixed in with literary criticism, with each chapter dedicated to a different character matched with a period of time in her life.  By the end of her journey, she realizes that all of her past heroines formed a part of her heart, for better or for worse.

This is a book for people who truly love to read.  The discussion, the references, and the analysis are refreshingly thoughtful and genuine.  Ellis' personality really shines through in the text, and while reading, there were multiple times that I wished I could talk to her in person, so I could either debate or agree with her on some of her views.  I don't know anyone who reads as much as I do, so I can't have intellectual discussions about literature in my real life.  How To Be a Heroine gave me a lot to think about regarding women in literature in a way that wasn't preachy or pretentious.  It was just smart.  I enjoyed the level of thought presented here and I wasn't bored at all while reading, even when I hadn't read the book Ellis was discussing.  This novel make me feel more intelligent after reading it, which is a wonderful thing.

Ellis' self-discovery project tempts me to start my own - to reread my old childhood favorites and examine how the characters might have influenced me.  I suppose that's the highest compliment that I can give a novel such as this; I found it to be very inspiring.  How To Be a Heroine is interesting not only as a memoir of a talented woman, but as an examination of how literature can be a powerful force in our lives.

Coming Back

I have gotten away from being myself over the past few years.  Being a teacher, and really being good at the job, can completely consume your life.  To be in a profession where you give so much of yourself to everyone else tends to leave little left over at the end of the day. It's rewarding work, but it's hard work. 

A month or so ago, I fell into a depression that I had a really hard time coming out of.  I was tired all the time. I couldn't finish my work.  I wasn't doing anything that I loved anymore, besides reading, of course.  I didn't feel like me.  I needed to change. So, I bought a new planner, got myself organized, and started a knitting project.

Knitting used to be my entire life.  When I was fresh out of college, frantically looking for work, and substitute teaching to get experience, knitting kept me sane.  I bought a book and taught myself everything I needed.  Quickly, I discovered that I had quite a talent when it came to the fiber arts.  Each hat, scarf and shawl that flew off my needles helped to soothe all of the stress that I felt at not finding a real teaching job right away.  I bought more yarn than I could knit through in a lifetime.  I worked on something every day.

When I found a job, that slowly changed.  As I took on more and more responsibilities, I knit less and less.  I eventually got to a place where I was hardly knitting as all...just sporadically, here and there.  I hadn't finished a project in over a year.  Something that used to be my heart was suddenly shoved aside in favor of lesson planning, grading papers and charting test data.

When I hit my bottom last month, I knew that knitting needed to be part of my recovery.  I started a project.  A little cowl that uses some clever techniques to look like a scarf.  I worked on it a bit each week.  Through better time management, I was able to carve out enough hours where I still had energy left to be artistic.  I finished my project last weekend.  I wore it to school today.

I'm not back to my previous, superhuman levels of knitting, and I probably never will be. To be honest, I don't need it as much as I did before. But I can do a little. If I forget to do the things that make me who I am, I will lose myself to work that, while satisfying in its own way, does not completely fulfill me as a person.  I will not let myself get lost again.

Furiously Happy by Jenny Lawson

Furiously Happy is a collection of essays by the famous blogger, Jenny Lawson.  The essays center around her struggle with mental illness and her determination to live her life the fullest despite the hardships she faces.  As the cover suggests, the writing is a mixture of funny and absurd, and Lawson's distinctive voice guides the reader with wit and humor through some very sensitive topics like depression, self harm and the social stigmas associated with mental illness.

I greatly admire Jenny Lawson, and after reading this book, that admiration has only grown.  She is very honest and open about her diagnoses in Furiously Happy, and describes how depression, anxiety disorders, sleep disorders, compulsive behaviors, and more have affected her life.  When taken together, all of the mental illnesses she struggles with seem like too much for one person to bear.  It's incredible to me that Lawson is able to function on a day to day basis, never mind actually enjoy her life, write books, and run a successful blog.  As she explains, that's what being "furiously happy" is all about - taking control of her situation and being happy in spite of the odds against her.  Her theory is that people who struggle with depression and anxiety experience all of the extremes of emotion.  They have to struggle through the lowest lows, but they also experience the highest highs.  She is determined to enjoy the moments where she is happy and fight through the moments she is not. 

I definitely enjoyed this novel and there were several chapters that had me laughing out loud. Lawson's relationship with her husband is hilarious and her predilection for taxidermied animals is delightfully weird.  There can be no doubt that Lawson has a fantastic sense of humor that comes out loud and clear in her writing.  Aside from the book's entertainment value, it was also very interesting to explore how mental illness can impact someone's life.  As Lawson explains, there is a stigma surrounding mental illness. No one wants to talk about it, so it is poorly understood by those who don't struggle with it.  While everyone's experience with mental illness is unique, Furiously Happy is a window into how one woman functions.  Lawson's honesty about her feelings helped bring to me a deeper understanding of how depression works and the struggle to effectively treat it.

While there's a whole lot that Furiously Happy does right, there were a few elements that I didn't enjoy.  Unlike Lawson's first novel, Let's Pretend This Never Happened, there wasn't a logical narrative flow to the essays.  They could have been placed in any order and the book would still have made sense.  While the writing didn't seem outwardly disorganized, it didn't feel tight enough either.  I found myself wishing for some kind of chronological thread to hold onto.  I also thought some of the chapters were a bit forced, and trying too hard to be funny.  For example, one chapter is comprised of notes that Lawson wrote to herself while on sleeping pills.  The whole thing was nonsense, and while some of the notes were cute, it made me suspect that she had run out of things to write about and just stuffed all of her undeveloped essay ideas into one fragmented chapter.  Overall, while Furiously Happy was good, I didn't think it was as funny or as well-written as her first book.

However, despite my issues, I still enjoyed the novel.  It opens up an important dialogue about mental illness and inspires both those who struggle with it and those who don't.  Lawson's candor and humor are effective at bringing a deeper level of understanding to a topic that is difficult to talk about.  Any book that can shine a light into the shadowy places that exist in our world is well worth your time.  Furiously Happy is an inspiring and important read.      

Agnes Grey by Anne Brontë

Agnes Grey by Anne Brontë is a simple little story about a young woman who sets out to be a governess to help support her family and to experience the world outside of her comfortable, familiar home.  She works in two different households throughout the course of the novel, and experiences several disappointments with her employment.  All of her pupils are spoiled, selfish, and inconsiderate and  her employers expect her to exert control over her charges without resorting to any disciplinary measures.  In general, Agnes is ignored and treated as if she were invisible, unless someone finds a fault in what she is doing.  Despite her difficulties, she maintains high personal standards for herself and does her work to the best of her abilities.  This is a novel about honor, character, and social class.  In tackling these weighty subjects, Anne Brontë gives us an unflinching look at how the upper levels of society treated their hired help, and how women can hold onto their moral values when they are surrounded by superficiality and carelessness.

I read this novel as my "classic by a female author" for the Back to to the Classics challenge.  As my reading theme for March is strong women, this book fits into that on two accounts.  Firstly, it was written by a woman who lived in a time period that discouraged girls from pursuing careers as authors.  Anne Brontë followed her dreams anyway.  Secondly, it features a strong female protagonist who is hard working, kind, and has a strong sense of right and wrong that she refuses to compromise.  I found this book to be enjoyable, and an interesting look at what it was like for teachers working in the 19th century.  It won't be remembered as a particular favorite of mine, but it was definitely worth reading. 

In researching the background of Agnes Grey, I discovered that Anne Brontë based the book off of her own experiences as a governess.  I had already assumed this point as I was reading the novel, because several of the complaints and difficulties Agnes experiences in her work are still true today.  Whether you have 2-3 pupils at a time, as Agnes did, or 135 pupils, like I do, kids can be rotten, parents can be awful, and your bosses heap completely unrealistic expectations on you.  The accuracy of her feelings actually become a bit of a downside to reading this novel for me, because I identified with it too much, and started feeling overly negative about my job.  This quote from Agnes about the teaching profession is very true:

"I can conceive few situations more harassing that that wherein, however you may long for success, however you may labour to fulfill your duty, your efforts are baffled and set at naught by those beneath you, and unjustly censured and misjudged by those above."         

What was missing from Agnes Grey were those little moments all teachers experience that make the job bearable.  The student and parent characters were so very flat that they were unrealistic.  I've worked with hundreds, if not thousands, of kids during the course of my career so far, and not one of them has been completely bad.  Even during the rough years, there are laughter, smiles and purely ridiculous moments that buoy a teacher's spirits.  That was completely absent here.  All the students were bad and it was always their own fault or the fault of their parents.  This is an ineffective way for a teacher to think.  It's no wonder that Agnes was so unhappy.  In an effort to show how virtuous, hardworking and put-upon Agnes was, the other characters became stereotypes.

Due to this disconnect, my feelings about this novel are ultimately mixed.  I enjoyed the parts of Agnes that were honorable and hardworking, and I was hoping for her to achieve happiness by the end of the novel.  I also enjoyed reading a little bit about what life was like for a governess trying to work during the 1800s.  However, the novel ran a little too negative for me, and since I have a similar profession to the protagonist, I disliked the one dimensional situations she found herself in.  I was hoping for a little more complexity.  The name Brontë brings memories of Jane Eyre and Wuthering Heights to my mind.  This novel fell short of the work of her sisters. Ultimately, this was a pleasant, but shallow, story.

March Reading List: Strong Women

In honor of Women's History Month, I am dedicating March to reading books by or about strong women.  It's important for me to read about girls who are brave, smart, and capable.  It gives me the motivation to keep on going and reaching for what I want.

This month, I've lined up a selection of both fiction and nonfiction novels that celebrate and encourage women:

Agnes Grey by Anne Bronte - This novel details the struggles of a 19th century governess working to support her family and expand her own horizons.  This will also be my "Classic by a Female Author" novel for my reading challenge.

Furiously Happy by Jenny Lawson - This memoir details author/blogger Jenny Lawson's struggle with mental illness.  Her first novel, Let's Pretend This Never Happened was fantastic and funny, so I have high hopes for this one.

How to be a Heroine or, What I've Learned from Reading Too Much by Samantha Ellis - This memoir is organized by the inspiration that the author took from different literary heroines throughout her life - perfect for this month!

Big Magic by Elizabeth Gilbert - This nonfiction novel about unlocking your creative potential was penned by the author of Eat, Pray, Love. I'm hoping that it inspires me to get back to my own creative pursuits!

The Freedom Writers Diary by The Freedom Writers with Erin Gruwell - Told through journal entries, this novel details the story of an inspirational English teacher and her students.

Jane Goodall by Dale Peterson - This is a biography of one of my personal heroes, the primatologist and activist Jane Goodall.

Bonus Round Books:
Fig by Elizatbeth Schantz
Black Dove White Raven by Elizabeth Wein

The Jane Goodall biography is 685 pages, so I'm nervous about finishing everything this month.  Luckily, I will have spring break to work with!